Wullie, Tattoos, Jewellery and Pain.

[piscatus absentis]

?C?moan, let?s git some drink inside us.  Ah?ve hud a bugger o? a day.  Jist the usual, eh??

?Fine Wullie, fine, but tell that crabbit barman that I like nothing but Barr?s lemonade with my whisky.  That stuff last week was absolute pish.?

Appropriately settled with genuine Barrs mixed with my half and a beautifully poured pint I remarked, ?not a very good day.  What happened??

?Ah jist dinny unnerstaun weemin.  That yin the day goat hur nipple rings fankled up in ma chest hairs an? ah kin tell ye it wiz a screamin? match till we goat thum loosened.  Then she telt me that ah should git a chest wax.  Thur?s nae wye ony wax or ony sich thing is gaun near ma bits ah kin tell ye.?

?I must say I?ve never given much thought to the problem of nipple rings and chest hairs.  Does it happen often??

?No sae much that bit yuv goat tae watch oot for ony rings or jewellery thuv goat in ither places.  Ah don?t suppose it?s onything yuv come across yursel??

Regretfully I concurred.

?Aye, you no a twenty first century man.  Livin? in the past so ye ur.  Ye jist widny believe whit weemin ur daen ae thursels noo.  Rings an? chains aw ower thur intimate bits an? if ye happen tae git a wee bit too enthusiastic ye never ken whit is gaun tae git pu?d aff an? whaur it?s gaunty land up.  Ah goat a big riddy wance when ah went fur a single fish an? a chain an? a ring fell inty the urinal.  The man next tae me didny ken whaur tae look.  Ah jist telt him tae pick it up if he wanted it an? take it hame tae his wife.?
?D?ye ken thur aw bald noo.  Nut a drap of hair.  Weel some o? thum huv hair bit often it?s trimmed inty patterns an? even dyed.  Tattoos, ah dinny ken how they?ve the neck tae lie back fur hoors while some perv is tattooing thum.   Ah?d wan a couple o? weeks ago that took ma pictur an? wiz gaunty git a tattooist tae dae it aw ower hur ? well never you mind whaur she wiz gaunty git it.  An? never you mind whaur ma tongue wiz gaunty be tattooed.?

Fascinated, because it?s something I never knew existed I broke the habit of a lifetime and bought a round just so I could hear more.

?A new wan is wee sticky oan jewels.  The trouble is they come aff awfy easy an? it?s only when thae git hame an? check an? see somethin?s missin?  an? then they phone me up tae see if ah?ve goat thum.  They git everywhere an? it kin be bloody annoyin? trying tae git thum oot.  Ye shoulda seen ma lavvy pan wi wee silver rabbits the ither day.?

?Eh.?

?Aye, eh.  Whit she hud wiz wee silver rabbits in a pattern lukkin? as though they wur   bolting doon a rabbit hole.  Later oan she fun she only hud wan rabbit left.  Weel she kin come an? dive doon the lavvy if she waants the rest o? thum back.?

?Ah kin live wi? the tattoos bit sumthin?s gaun tae need daen wi? the rings and chains an? jewellery.  Ah?ll jist huv tae nip aff fur a meenit fur ah?m sure ah?ve goat a bit o? a gold chain trapped whaur it should?ny be trapped ? an? it?s as itchy as hell.?