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Shitheid Wullie's Flees.

Started by piscatus absentis, October 24, 2008, 06:34:49 PM

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piscatus absentis

I was more than a bit surprised when Wullie called me on the phone the other day.

?Ah hope ye dinny me askin? the secretary fur yer number bit ah?ve goat somethin? that ah need tae talk tae you aboot.  Ur ye oan fur a pint or two the morn roon aboot wan?.

Taking a mental note to advertise the secretary?s number with some suggestions of the services he had on offer in every public toilet in Scotland I agreed to meet Wullie if only to satisfy my nosiness.

The next day there was the usual, ?howzithingin? big man an? dae ye waant a gless wi? yur pint??  A very hard offer to refuse.

With topped up glasses we sat down near the fire.  Wullie produced a fly box and asked, ?whit dae ye think o? thae wans??

To be absolutely honest, which I was not with Wullie (he was buying after all), my opinion of his flies was not very favourable.  ?They?re no too bad Wullie but I feel you?d be better using feathers rather than dyed hair for the wings and hackles.  Mind you, some of that hair looks interesting, where did you get it??

?The trouble wi? you is that yur no up tae date.  Last year the fashion wiz aw fur baldness bit now it?s fur dyin? an? ah kin tell you ah?ve seen some sights this past few weeks?.

I must have looked a bit puzzled but Wullie instantly saw my problem and called for refills although that was not the true reason for my confusion. 

?It?s the wimmin ye see.  Fur some reason thuv aw started tae let thur hair get long an? then dye it, apart frae the wans wi? natural colours that is.  Ah kin see ye still dinny get it ? it?s no the hair oan thur heids ah?m talkin? aboot, maist o? thum huv hair in ither places as weel ye ken?.

The penny dropped, synchronised with my jaw.

?And you?ve been cutting it off to tie flies?.

?Weel it started jist as a wee joke bit ah fund that a lot o? them goat really worked up jist staunin? there while ah cut some hairs aff tae tie flees.  They?re aw askin? fur it noo an? ye should see thum staunin? there wrigglin? aboot while ah gie thum a wee bit o? a trim an? yase the hair tae tie some flees.  Ye ken whit wimmin ur like ? git excited at the least wee thing?.  Here, ah?ll git ye anither drink afore ah tell ye whit ah waant ye tae dae?.

When he returned with a couple of revivers I asked, ? you want me to teach you fly tying??

?Aw, naw, naw naw.  Ah waant ye tae tie the flees.  Mine ur a mess an? ah?ve goat distractions bit somebuddy your age wull be able tae concentrate oan the flees while ah git oan wi? whit ah?m pyed fur.  Ye see the ither day ah hud three o? them.  Ah wiz tryin? tae tie a Kate Maclaren that needs three different colours an? hud the lassies staunin? there bit ah jist could?ny concentrate oan the tyin?.  Whit ah thocht wiz that you could tie the flees an? mibbe keep a couple o? them sort o? warm while ah looked efter the ither yins.   An? some o? thum waant the flees tae take hame as souvenirs ? wan even waants tae huv a couple oan hur desk jist as a conversation piece?.

? Ye se in ma line o? work yuv goat tae gie the customers whit thae waant an? keep thum happy.  Ony gid businessman luks efter his customers?.

?Wullie, if I understand you, you want me to come along and sit at a desk tying up flies using hair from the intimate parts of ladies while you go about your normal business with them?.

?That?s it, an? ah?ll pye ye as well.  You jist tie the flees an? mibbe jist gie the lassies a wee tickle noo and then tae keep thum waarmed up.  It?ll no be a very hard joab.  An? ah?m sure the money wull come in haundy?.

I was astounded.  I?ve never had such a job offer in my life.  Mind you I disagreed with his comment that it would not be a hard job.  I felt it would be very hard, despite my age.

?Aw c?moan, yull git a laugh, sumthin? different that yuv never done afore.  An? only an? hoor or two a week?.

?Wullie, I?m a happily married man.  I?ve got a wife.  What would she say?  In fact what would she do??

?Ach, ye dinny need tae tell hur.  An? even if she fund oot she?ll be like aw wimmin as long as she sees some money on the table.  C?moan, whit aboot it?  Ah?ll git anither gless fur ye?.

I?m still considering his offer. 

IrishFloatTube


Ian_M

Quote

I am starting to wonder which one of you 2 is the worst?   

Try to remember that one of them is fictional. Not sure which one though.
Ian

alancrob

Here we go again.  :lol: :lol:

QuoteI felt it would be very hard, despite my age.

You are an awfull man, given the chance.

If you wanted to go halfers..... I can't tie flies but I'm sure I could help somehow!  :shock:


Alan

Clan Chief

Dae ye want a haun auld yin? I'll see ye Monday nicht at the flytying tae come tae an arrangement  :roflmao :banana :roflmao

Sandison

All that is prescient about Scottish humour.
Bruce Sandison

superscot

Quoteprescient

Bruce better tell us what that yin means !  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh when is the next book due .....soon ?

Sandison

I know that I shouldn't do this ... so I won't, until tomorrow.


Bruce Sandison

Sandison

Hi, Superscot!

Adj. 1. prescient - perceiving the significance of events before they occur;  discerning - having or revealing keen insight and good judgment; "a discerning critic"; "a discerning reader" .

I have a new book, 'Angling Lines', coming out in April 2009; one hundred and fortyone tales and stories from work published over the last five years.

I am now more than halfway through the revision and update of the 'Rivers and Lochs of Scotland'. It has been and is a huge task, but I will get there, just as soon as I can!

With all good wishes,

Bruce

Bruce Sandison

sandyborthwick

Mmmmm, reckon you would get some fantastic movement in your flies :lol: :lol: :lol:.

Sandy B.O.

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