Shithead Wullie's Burds.

[piscatus absentis]

Wullie was in full expert mode demonstrating his ornithological knowledge to a visitor who, I suspect, was a bit wiser than he was letting on.

?Thae burds ower there?, said Wullie, ?ur Canadian Geese.  They used tae flee aw the wy frae Canada, lay thur eggs, huv thur young an? then flee back?  Bit this lot here got tired o? aw the traivelin? an? jist settled doon here?.

?That yin is a Mallard, the fastest burd in the world.  D?ye ken that wan wiz seen passin? a steam train daen mair than a hunner miles an? hoor?.

?I thought I saw a Wigeon at the other end of the loch?, remarked the visitor, innocently.

?Naw, naw?, Wullie replied, ?thur?s nae wid yins oan this loch.  Thur aw real burds?.

[jimmyw]

Old Jock Goldie, my son Alan(aged8 ) and I were fishing on Loch Tay when a bird flew overhead.
Old Jock said "What kind of bird is that? Alan" Alan replyed "Dont know Mr Goldie".
"It's a duck" said old Jock. Alan not to be outdone said "How do you ken it's a duck?" Mr Goldie.
Old Jock replyed back I saw the roast tatties round it."

[harelug]

SWMBO and I were in the cafe at Balmaha a few years ago when a Govan couple came in with a couple of weans. It was May and the local peacocks were strutting there stuff.
Govan girl wean says "err a big chicken, err a big chicken, err a big chicken.........................(10 mins later) err a big chicken, err a big chicken", finally the father  decided to put her right and silence her. "s'no a chicken 'sa burd"
Fortunately we'd already paid our bill and were able to stiffle our laughter until we got out to the car park.
No prizes for guessing what we say everytime we've seen a peacock since.