Shithead Wullie and Christmas Shopping.

[piscatus absentis]

The M.D. had decided that we were going Christmas shopping and so I found myself in the Weegieton seasonal hell.  We were taking a shortcut through John Lewis when an enormous arse blocked the aisle in front of us.  That?s unusual I remember thinking, I never knew that Gucci subcontracted trouser manufacture to Blacks of Greenock.  At that the female leviathan recovered whatever it was she had dropped and assumed her tall and awesome stance.  I had to admit that, from a distance, she would look a fine specimen of woman-hood but when she was towering directly before me on Clyde built shoes with eight inch heels and a mane of long blonde hair she was a terrifying sight.

I was trying to find a way round her when I heard a voice that chilled my blood,  ?hullo there big man, howzithingin?,  Shithead Wullie, large as life and twice as ugly,  ?oot fur some Christmas shoappin?.   I had just confirmed this fact and found a way round the obstacle when he said, ?meet the wife - Wee Teeny?.  Wee Teeny - this statuesque behemoth swathed in acres of Gucci and Versace was his wife!  As I turned to her and offered her my hand I realised how the Greek heroes must have felt when confronted by some monster although, once again, I admit she was a handsome, if outsize, specimen of femininity and I immediately knew why she had been attracted to Wullie.

?Oh it?s nice to meet you? she said while Wullie explained that (in his misguided opinion) we were fishing buddies.  ?It?s lovely to put a face to one of the men who looks out for William?, she gurgled pleasantly.  I agreed that we did look out for William without a hint that it was not in the sense she implied.  ?And this must be your wee wife, what a lovely wee woman?, while effortlessly lifting my wife a foot off the floor to kiss her on both cheeks, ?I just love it when we meet some of William?s friends?.   Is this a Christmas shopping trip?   Would you like to join us for lunch? We?re going to the Ubiquitous Chip?.

While I was politely declining her offer Wullie announced, ?we?re shoappin? wursels, gaun tae buy wan o? thae plasmoid tellys, ye don?t think a hunner inch wan is too big??  I concurred that no home should be without a hundred inch plasmoid telly when Wee Teeny butted in to say, ?and then we?re looking for a new snooker table for the games room, the legs on the old one are a bit shoogly?.  A picture of the games room with Wullie and Wee Teeny making whoopee on the snooker table flashed into my mind.  I could see why the legs were shoogly.  Then again, ?we would love it if you joined us at the Chip?.  And again a desperate excuse from me.

?Well, that?s a pity but please do come and visit us sometime, William will give you directions to our wee house in Salsburgh?.   As we were walking down the street looking for somewhere with reasonably priced pie, beans and chips the wife asked me, ?who was that man? There?s something about him?.   ?Aye?, I answered, for once putting my foot down firmly, ?and don?t you dare try to find out what it is?.       

[Sandison]

Always cheers up my day - thanks!