Wullie and the Donkey.

[piscatus absentis]

I was heading to the bus stop after a visit to the tackle shop and noticed that I had an hour before my bus was due.  It was a cold day so I went into a cosy pub just for a pint or two but mainly for the warmth.  I bellied up to the bar and prepared to order but was interrupted by a voice saying, ?hullo there big man, howzit hingin?.  And there was Wullie, a touch worse for the wear but still alert enough to order me, ?a hauf an? a pint?.  Just to be sociable I accepted them gratefully.

?Well Wullie, what?s been happening to you today ?, I enquired.

?Weemen trouble, thur aw the same, nuthin? bit trouble aw the wye so ah jist came doon fur a pint or two tae git ma wits thegither?.

I knew he was going to tell me about it so we sat down next to the fire where he started.
?O? aw the weans ah?ve goat thur?s only wan lassie an? she?s mair trouble than the rest o? thum pit thegither.  The ither day she started naggin? fur a hoarse just tae be the same as aw hur pals an? ah telt hur thur wiz nae wye ah?d buy hur wan?.

?She hud it aw planned.  We?d turn a bit o? the garage inty a stable an? fence aff a bit o? the gairden fur it tae eat the gress or whitever it eats.  She wid clean it oot every day an? could go fur guid long rides wi? aw hur wee pals that hud hoarses as well?.

?She wiz telt in nae uncertain terms that thur wiz nae wye she wiz gittin? a hoarse an? aff she went in the huff.  Here, yur gless is empty, let me fill it up, ah ken life is hard fur you pensioners?.

What could I do without seeming impolite?

When he came back the tale began.

His wife, Wee Teeny, was entertaining some of her friends for afternoon tea and cakes when one of the boys, just home from school, burst into the room shouting, ?haw maw, thur?s a dunky in the shunky?.

Teeny never missed a beat and switched the conversation to the cost of  private education which could not eradicate the local accent.

?Speak correctly and say that again.?

?Mother, my mode of speech is not going to change the fact that there is a quadruped in the cludge and I suspect that it is an ass?.

Misinterpreting the word ?ass? Teeny moved into action and, hauling the offending son out of the room by his ear and all the time muttering that a headmaster would soon receive the sharp edge of her tongue headed for the toilet at the end of the hall.

There was indeed a donkey in the room.  Just a small one, but one that had been overdosing on laxatives and diuretics.  All of her nice knitted toilet roll dollies had been ruined, her John Lewis fittings would need replacing and the smell was worse than that the gents public toilets in Princes Street gardens.  Some local handyman was going to be well paid making good the damage.

Teeny is a big woman and the panicky beast was seized and carried through the hall all the time redecorating that area in a tasteful shade of brown and light yellow.  It never touched any of the twenty steps before landing in the driveway.  Then she went is search of the little madam who, hearing what had happened, was out of a back door with a mobile glued to her ear shouting for help from Childline.

?An? that?s whit happened?, Wullie told me.

?Ah goat hame an? thur wiz hell tae pye.  It wiz aw ma faut, ah should?ve explained things better tae hur; ah should?ve picked a better skil fur the laddies; ah should?ve telt aw the fermers no tae sell ony animals tae ma weans, ye ken whit it?s like yursel.  How wiz ah tae ken that she?d hide it in the cludge tae surprise us?  Some surprise?.

I nodded sagely and agreed while sociably accepting a refill.

?An noo ah?ve goat tae go wae hur tae pick new furniture and paper an? paint an? then find a man that?s willin? tae take oan a dirty joab ? whit ur ye daen next week??

I almost choked.  ?Sorry Wullie but painting and papering was never my strong point?.

But I could only agree with his final remark,  ?weemen, thur nothin? bit trouble?.

[alancrob]

P.A.

Another cracker.

Every time I see the title "Wullie.." I have to get a wee something, close the door and settle down before I start. Nothing to interupt me and a chance to censor before the more sensitive souls in the house get a chance to read.

I must say though, it sounds Like Wullie is settling down a bit? Hope not.

Thanks again P.A.

Alan

[garryh]

superb  :applause :applause

cheers Garry

[superscot]

would do well in the sunday post ....... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Sandison]

Many thanks, PA, great story!