Shithead Wullie's Christmas.

[piscatus absentis]

I know it's a bit early but isn't it the same every year.

Wullie had invited me out for a pre-christmas drink.

?It?s a bit early?, I commented, ?Christmas is nearly four weeks away?.

?An? don?t ah ken it.  Earlier an? earlier every year bit it?s a busy time fur me an? ah?ll no hiv a chance tae buy ye a drink until efter the New Year.  Ay, it?s aw go in ma line o? work at this time o? year?.

He ordered the needful.

?Ah?m away through tae the Parliament in Embra fur the rest o? this week.  We get a loat o? good business there an? nae worries aboot being pyed.  It?s aw oan expenses an? thae lassies through there dinny mind pyin? a wee bit mair fur extras.  That?s hoo the ither hauf lives?.

?Ah Wullie, your having me on?.

?Nut a bit o? it.  Accordin? tae oor last report aboot hauf oor business by volume came frae there an? nearly three quarters by value.  It?s a guid gaun seam?.

?Reports?  Are you telling me that you produce reports?.

?Aw aye, yuv goat tae ken aw the sources o? business an? ken whit wans ur the maist profitable?.

?But the Scottish Parliament....?.

?Whit wye no.  Hauf the men there ur shirt lifters an? the ither hauf too drunk maist o? the time tae be ony guid fur a wummin.  Lang may it last?.

?Thur?s this wee lassie that wiz awfy important tae sumthin? went wrang an? she canny git enough o? me noo.  Ah?ve been up tae hur wee hoose a few times as weel.  She?s no? awfy big bit ye ken whit they say, ?it?ll stretch a yaird afore it?ll tear an inch?.

?Then thur?s this aulder wifie wha runs some party or anither.  A bit oan the cuddly side an? fancies hursel as a cook.  Whit she likes tae dae is tae dress the Big Boy up, Santy Claus it wiz last week.  She yases different colours o? icing sugar an? diz a smashin? joab.  Then she likes tae clean it aw aff if ye see whit ah mean.  Ye should?ve seen hur easter eggs last year ? a work o? art?.

?Wullie, this is incredible, I never dreamed that anything like this was possible.  Are you sure you should be telling me this?.

?Nae bother, ah ken that you?ll no breath a word o? this tae onybody.  Wait while ah git ye a fill up.  Ah like the beer in here?.

?An? ah?m no bothered whit side they vote fur.  Ye ken whit they say aboot no? lukkin? at the oarnaments oan the mantelpiece when yur pokerin? the fire?.

If only.

?Ye ken they?re a frustrated loat.  Thur?s this ither yin that kin dae nothin? without hur boss tellin? hur whit tae say.   Ay, bit she?s goat a big mooth an? though hur lips ur a bit thin she kin yase thum awright.  A right treat she is an? always desperate fur it?.

?Tell me Wullie, what do you do for a room in that building?.

?Aw, they?ve aw goat thur ain rooms wi? great big desks an? chairs.  Nae worries oan that score an? aw the doors kin loak.  Aye, it?s a grand life if ye dinny weaken?.

?Ah?ve even hud ma lawyer an ? accountant up there an? they tell me that they dinny hiv hauf the furniture that they hiv in thae offices?.

?Your lawyer and accountant?  Pull the other one?.

?It?s a true as ah?m sitting here.  Some o? the maist important wummin in Embra an? they?re aw oan ma board o? directors?.

?This is going too far Wullie ? I think you?ve had enough to drink?.

?Ur you cryin? me a liar.  Ah?ll hiv ye ken that these wummin ur mair than delighted wi? me an? willin? tae pye guid money tae be oan ma board.  Wan o? the best gaun businesses in Scotland this is?.

?Look Wullie, it?s not that I?m doubting you but... well it?s hard to take in?.

?Nae bother, jist take in anither hauf while ah phone up Teeny tae come an? collect me.  She?s oan a promise the night an? ah better be in guid form fur hur.  She?s a big wummin an? hard tae keep  up wi??.

Teeny arrived in good time and Wullie was off shouting, ?an? hiv a guid Christmas an? New Year, see ye
again sometime.   

Jealous! Me jealous?

[alancrob]

Nae bother, ah ken that you?ll no breath a word o? this tae onybody.

:lol: :lol:

Absolute class, as always. You couldn't make it up, could you?

And I'm paying for it all???  :shock: :lol: :lol:

A.

[Ian_M]

You couldn't make it up, could you?

I hope he does.   :lol:

[superscot]

Whit wye no.  Hauf the men there ur shirt lifters an? the ither hauf too drunk maist o? the time tae be ony guid fur a wummin.  Lang may it last?.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

?Thur?s this wee lassie that wiz awfy important tae sumthin? went wrang an? she canny git enough o? me noo.  Ah?ve been up tae hur wee hoose a few times as weel.  She?s no? awfy big bit ye ken whit they say, ?it?ll stretch a yaird afore it?ll tear an inch?.

classic  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: