Shithead Wullie Goes Float Tubing.

[piscatus absentis]

During the close season I?ll often have a run out to have a look at the loch and a blether with anyone else who happens to be around.  One morning in early March, which was part of an extended winter this year, I wrapped myself up planning to wander over to the North Shore and Woodside to see what the prospects for the new season were. 
   I had just stopped the car and was making sure my jacket was well zipped up and hat securely on my head when a black B.M.W. pulled up and Shithead Wullie exited from the passenger side before starting to unload boxes from the boot.  When he saw it was me there was the usual greeting, ?howzithingin? big man?, and then, ?see ye efter doll?, to his wife Teenie as she blasted off.
   ?C?moan an gies a haun tae open these boaxes, ah?m gaun tae hiv a shoat at this float tubin? gemme?. 
   I noted that the season was two weeks away but was told that he, ?wiz jist oot fur a wee practice tae see how it aw works?.
   I remarked again that perhaps the weather was a bit too wild and he might be better on a quieter and warmer day but was met with, ?better oan a day like this sae ah ken whit the worst wull be like?.
   Loth to miss any fun I voiced no further objections and began to help with the unpacking.  First out was a pair of neoprene waders which may have fitted him for shoesize and length of leg but they were a shade tight below the waistline and I refrained from mentioning that he appeared to have two toilet rolls stuffed down his front.  Next was a pair of flippers to be attached to his feet followed by a heavy sweater, a fleece and a very short wading jacket.  I must be said that he certainly looked the part especially when it was topped off by a bobbly woollen hat.
   ?Right, noo the tube an? the pump tae blaw it up.  Wull ye pit tis plug inty yer fag lighter socket an? we?ll dae it wi? electricity?.
   It was an impressive looking device with velcroed pocket and tape measures and a very comfortable looking seat.
   ?Whit ah dae noo is tae git inty it an? walk doon tae the waatter backwards?. 
   The water was two hundred yards away down a muddy grassy path and then across a rocky beach which, I observed, had been used by some of the local neds to reduce their Buckie bottles fragments.  I mentioned this to him and suggested that he take his flippers off, put his shoes on and then we could, jointly, carry the boat down to the water.
   ?Naw, naw, naw, ah?ve goat tae dae this by the book so ah?ll be yased tae it when the better weather comes?.
   So he stepped into the boat, pulled a couple of straps over his shoulders and set off.  A few steps into the path (backwards remember) he lost his balance.  He, and the boat, very quickly reached the bottom although there was an ungainly pirouette or two on the way.  At the bottom he recovered and began crossing the beach.  I did ask him to get out and let me help but he was having none of it.  I?m not sure how many times he fell and what the condition of his arse was when he finally reached the lochside but some blood on the stones clearly showed that the broken bottles had had an effect.
   ?I?t?s jist a wee cut, it?ll no gie me ony bother.  Noo whit a waant ye tae dae here is tae tie the end o? this spool o? nylon roon that bush there so ah kin pu? masel back in if a hiv tae.  Thur?s twa hunner yairds oan the spool so ah?ll no go too faur?.
   And in he marched despite my protests that, perhaps the wind was a bit strong and the white horses on the loch were not a favourable sign.
   He managed to hold himself with the nylon for about fifty yards before it snapped (20 lb b.s. but I did warn him) and off he set down the loch.  Very soon he hit a shallow boggy area which arrested his progress before I heard him crying that he had lost his flippers.  Feeling that he was not in any great danger but to be careful I walked back to the car to pick up my binoculars and mobile ?phone while occasionally looking back to see how he was getting on.
   In less that half an hour he was a mile downwind being blown into the far shore round about the Woodside.  I watched him struggle out and then, still holding the boat with the shoulder straps he set off westward.  He would have been better going East to the car park at the bottom of the loch but I?m not sure he was thinking clearly by this stage. 
   It started to rain and I went for a seat in the car but kept a watchful eye on him all the way.  There is a fair path round the loch, well maybe a bit rough in places, but, in practical terms, there was nothing I could do other than keep watching that he was still on his feet and making headway into the now gale force wind and torrential  rain.       
   Did I mention that another two or three cars and a couple of lorries had stopped to watch.  An old dear in one of the cars knocked on my window and suggested that we should call an ambulance only to agree with a lorry driver who was sitting beside me that it was no weather to ask ambulance men to go out in and what could they do anyway since Wullie was still on his feet and not, as far as we could see, showing any signs of distress.
   He finally made, dropped the boat and, I noted with interest, that he only had one toilet roll down the front of his waders now.  The feet of the waders were hanging in shreds as were the two pairs of heavy socks he had on.
   It?s the first time in my life I?ve heard Wullie swear.
   ?Never f******g again, ah?ll never go near anither b********g float f*****g tube.  If ony c**t waants it it?s lyin? here an? they?re welcome tae it.  Ur ye gonny  me a lift hame?.
   I gave him and the tube, and the pump, and the footless waders a lift.  I?m open to offers if any of you are interested in a slightly used tube and pump.

[Pearly Invicta]

Fantastic as usual. Particularly enjoyed "only to agree with a lorry driver who was sitting beside me that it was no weather to ask ambulance men to go out in"

[superscot]

It?s the first time in my life I?ve heard Wullie swear.
   ?Never f******g again, ah?ll never go near anither b********g float f*****g tube.  If ony c**t waants it it?s lyin? here an?

Hilarious  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Clan Ford]

Brilliant  :lol: :lol: :lol:

[alancrob]

Every time you read "Shithead Wullie" you just think... whit's the big galloot got up tae noo?

Priceless.   

Alan

[aliferste]

fantastic