Shithead Wullie - Best in Show.

[piscatus absentis]

While I was away for a week or two recently I spent some time in Nairn.  The M.D. was busy doing whatever M.D.s do so I dropped into a local pub to shelter from the rain.  I was on the point of ordering when I was alarmed by a familiar voice asking, ?whit ur ye drinkin??.  Oh my God, a hundred and fifty miles from home and there was Shithead Wullie.

?Gie the man a gless an? a pint?, he ordered the barman.  What else could I do? - so, just to be sociable I accepted.

?And what are you doing up here?? I asked Wullie, who, it must be said, looked a bit under the weather.   

?Jist oan the usual roond o? the shows,? he answered, ?Turriff last week, Nairn this week, then the Black Isle and then oan tae Perth fur the last o? the year - here, huv anither gless?.

?I didn?t know you were interested in farming,? I said.

?Ah?m no,? he replied, ?ah?m a contestant?.

Stifling the obvious comment about him putting the bulls and horses to shame I gently encouraged him to tell me the story and let him top up my pint.

Now this was a shocking story about the exploitation of well endowed men that I never knew existed and I?d suggest that the more genteel among you stop reading now.  This tale of masculine exploitation is worse than the slave trade.

Well, if you?re determined I?ll go on.  Quite a few years ago some farmer?s wives, who found traipsing round ogling cattle, sheep, horses and farm machinery a touch wearing and got together, as women do, to discuss, and speculate about, the attributes
of the better looking farmhands and compare their performances.  One thing led to another and soon a sideshow developed where the, admittedly, magnificently equipped young men were persuaded to expose themselves to a throng of rampant and frustrated females and be subjected to trials that would never be permitted on domesticated farm animals.  The feminine version of sheep shagging but with no cruelty to animals.

It has now reached the stage where there are formalised rules, appointed, experienced  and knowledgeable judges and awards in various categories including length, diameter, technique, staying power, production etc., etc.  The crowning achievement is, Wullie told me, the blue riband for ?Best in Show?.       

?An? ah?ve been best in show at every fair fur the past five years,?  Wullie proudly announced.

I didn?t know what to say - would you?  So I simply stammered the first thing that came into my mind that was, ?Aye another glass will go down well, but what is the competition from the Africans like.  I?ve heard that some of them are enormous?.

?Yer right enough,?  he answered, ?bit there?s mair tae it than size, an? these boys jist hivny goat the stamina - nae staying power - they?re aw sprinters?.

?Well?,  I came back after a quick recovery, ?I don?t see your problem?.

?Aye well,?  he sighed, ?awthings were great but noo we?ve goat a problem wi? drugs.  Ah ken that some day a younger lad will beat me but I hope that it?s fair an? square wi? nae artificial stimulation - if ye ken whit ah mean?.

I tried to change the subject while accepting another glass, ?who do you think is your biggest threat??

?Big Dick fae Dumfries, bit ah?m sure there?s something gawn oan there.  Ye jist don?t pit oan half an inch in a year and jump tae six in a row naturally.  Ah?m gawn tae pit in a protest?.

By this time the rain had stopped and I was starting to babble a bit so I just offered him a few sympathetic words, wished him luck for the Black Isle show and suggested he spoke to the doctors at Raigmore about the possibility of blood testing.

So the next time you see that marquee in the corner of the show field with a crowd of swooning women around it you?ll know what?s going on.

[Ian_M]

Big Dick fae Dumfries

absolute magic, 

[superscot]

 :lol: :lol: :lol: super read

[Pearly Invicta]

Very, very good. Maybe one day they'll make Shithead Wullie, The Movie.

[jimmyw]

The best yet. I'll never think of a farm show without thinking of Shithead Wullie. :lol: